Colossus! Lochness. Facer.

Via beverage enthusiast and Kiwi photoblogger Ed Wozniak:

Apparently this excellent picture was taken in one of the many Greco-Scottish bars that populate the Boston area. Ed has provided few details, and is only able to communicate via yes-or-no button, so my professional interpretation of this message is mostly conjecture drawn from my extensive history of stall study.

The first element that intrigues me is "Dead Arm" in the top left corner. If that were truly the case, then with what was the author writing? The script is quite stylized, suggesting a level of marker control beyond the ability of the mouth or anus, so I can only deduce that the man with the dead arm employed a second gentleman to create his plaintive message (and probably help him with wiping).

The main attraction here, though, is, of course, "Colossus! Lochness. Facer." This cryptic inscription contains multitudes. Colossus is both a wonder of the ancient world and a character from the X-Men. Lochness may refer to the Scottish lake ("Loch Ness," or "Lake Noose") rumored to harbor a cartoon dinosaur (named Barney), but it's more likely that, in this case, it's being used as an adjective describing a person or object's level of similarity to a generic Scottish lake. Facer is a Navajo code word that translates to "the previous two words are obviously related in a way that totally makes sense but doesn't need to be explicitly explained."

So thank you, Mr. Wozniak, for providing such a compelling picture on which to train my expert stallographic eye. This experience has been so invigorating that it is therefore, with an open mind and a heavy heart, that I welcome and encourage other amateur stall-0-nauts to submit photos for collaborative interpretation. You tell me what you think is going on in the message, and I'll tell you why you're wrong. Welcome to academia!